What is more important to us as trans folks when we are in public ? Passing as a Cis women or Presenting ourselves appropriately ? Well there is no perfect answer and it is individualistic. It is also based on the place, community and the country that you live in. I would like to share my experience having grown up in india and lived in various states in US.
Though I am gender fluid, I identify, feel comfortable and express myself more as a trans women.
My first public experience was in my ninth grade back in Chennai, India. I dressed up in a long skirt and a t-shirt, covered my head with a scarf and ventured out pretending to be identified as a girl. My experience was a disaster and I barely made it back home after half a dozen construction workers humiliated me. I did not pass. Neither I presented myself properly as a girl. “That’s a boy in a skirt”, they all laughed. I kept going out a few times after that dreadful experience, but it was never in public. I was sacred about being bullied at school, worried about my parents and the community that we lived in. I am glad that incident did not prevent me from trying again.
I am in my early fifties now and I still wrestle with these thoughts once in a while. But in the recent years, I have come to accept the fact that I cannot look like a naturally born women ( cis women ) and pretend everyone around me thinks I am a cis gender women.
Like every human being in this world, we all have a mental picture of the ideal person that we want to be and imitate, rather than accepting the way we are and making the best out of who we are.
The more I’ve tried to look like this ideal women, the more I ended up being upset and depressed. I could never achieve that idealistic level that I wanted in me. Twenty five years back days going enfemme ( going out as a girl mode) was a big deal. Not anymore.
I have friends who continue to ask me for advice and my answer is still “Be who you are. Don’t be someone whom you are not”. Not the answer they expect but that is the simple truth. Stop trying and start living. The reality is the fear of unknown. If they don’t know, then they are not comfortable. If they are not comfortable, they will not be accepting. With trans awareness and correct way of portraying trans folk, they will start being open minded.
I don’t claim to be an expert in this area but having lived and traveled to various places in US and India, I thought of sharing my experience and some quick pointers, that you may find useful.
No one cares : When people look at me when I am at a grocery store, restaurant or movie theater, they know I am unusually tall for an average Indian woman. They read me and get to know that I am trans. After their discovery, they move on. People very rarely come and bother me. Then there are these haters, who will bother you no matter what. Whether you are brown, white, black, Asian, Muslim, Sikh, gay or straight. It doesn’t matter to them.
Your inner matters most : Your inner character as a person matters the most. No matter who you are on the outside. When someone mis-genders me, I try to not let that bother me. I tell them, I am a trans women and move on. It is not easy but do not let that negative thought ruin your inner mind. One of my friend who is unusually tall says that when she walks into the store, people know right away that she is a trans. But with her big smile and warm “Hello !”, she wins their conversation right away. Being a trans person is not an obstacle for people to start a conversation with you. It is our inner misconception about how they might react to you keeps you from having a conversation. Smile and move on. Worrying only spoils your day.
Come to terms : You need to know where you are on the gender spectrum. So that you can correct folks when they mis-gender you. Also tell them politely that you are hurt by their words and action. Instead of saying “You are wrong”. People always tend to listen when you express that you are hurt or upset rather than saying that they are wrong. They get defensive. Majority of them will respond better if you try to respond in a calm way. If they don’t and continue to be hurtful. Express your hurt and move on or just ignore them.
Dress appropriately : This is the most important aspect of any person. Whether your are trans or not. Dress well, look neat and presentable, smell good and stay confident. Helps when you are a professional. Always remember to dress appropriately based on your circumstance and occasion. It makes a huge difference. When you dress well, it also boosts your confidence. I spend good amount of time picking up my wardrobe and accessories. Most of the time when I am going about doing my job, people look at me and smile or say something nice. “I like that bright spring color” or “that’s a lovely bracelet” or “you smell good”.
Expect the worst: Disasters happen. In any situation, I tend to weight the risks and anticipate the worst. That is just me I guess. This is not a pessimistic or negative approach but it helps you prepare your mind. If I enter a store at a shopping mall. I anticipate that people are going to stare at me. The store owner might be suspicious when I am in the women’s fitting room. Especially in women’s restroom. So I think of all these situations, plan ahead and stay out of trouble. When in doubt, instead of assuming on my own, I ask and confirm with the manager, person in charge or authorities. I was once escorted by the security at a hotel in Mumbai because I looked suspicious. I immediately asked for the hotel manager and explained about my situation. She was nice enough to escort me to my room and treat me with respect. One more thing, be prepared when you are going through airport security or flying internationally.
Stay positive : Smile, be confident and most of all stay positive. If you focus on negativity, you will only see negative things around you. I have learnt to consciously put on a smile on my face when I am in public. So when people walk by they smile or pass nice comments. I have had positive experience even in conservative places in India. When you are nervous, it shows on your face and it makes others notice that you are uncomfortable. A smile goes further than a mile. Your smile can actually change their perception about you, even if they know you are trans person. Most of the time their curiosity seamlessly turns into openness. When I smiled at the grumpy TSA agent the airport, his face softened as he said, “I just want ensure you are treated properly”. Though I went through extra security check at the airport, I stayed calm and remembered to smile. It actually helped me, personally.
Enjoy your day : Every time I step out of my house, I make it a point to take it “one day at a time”. Present yourself in the best and confident way possible. We don’t know what tomorrow holds for us. So just enjoy your coffee, sunset, music, food. What ever makes you happy that day. Just be happy and healthy.
It is interesting to see how the millennials today evolve and express themselves in many ways within the gender spectrum. I personally believe that God has made us unique with a definite purpose to love and accept each other. As the psalmist says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.” Psalms 139:13. NIV.
I am watching the sunset while writing this blog. It gives me so much joy to hear the waves crashing on the rocks. Wind blowing on my face. Take personal time and take care of your self. It is important.